Blessed Breasts

Rev. Alethea

Email Message to The Pavilion of God (my congregation) on June 15, 2010

Beloved,

I woke up this morning and saw the light of day and without much thought said, “Thank God!”  I was thanking God for another day and for so many other large and small blessings.

In the light of day, I also embraced my gratitude for YOU and your prayers for me.  I thank you for the love and support you offer my family and me each and everyday.  Additionally, during the past few weeks, I have been so blessed by your prayers and concern for my health.  Without your prayers I could not have faced the news I received from my doctor on yesterday…. The diagnosis was “positive” for breast cancer.  Believe me, it was a hard hit; however, I am certain that God is absolutely good all the time!! 

Even with a diagnosis of cancer, I know that I don’t have cancer and cancer doesn’t have a hold on me!!  What happens to my body is a reality and I can and will, with the help of God, face the reality of cancer.  But that reality is limited… God is really all there is!!  I only embrace the love and power of God in and through Jesus Christ… that is my absolute and total REALITY!!!

So, what does that mean for me, now?  It means a number of things…  The things I know are: 1) I will continue to walk closely with the Lord and I will pray and read the Word of God; 2) I am asking for your prayers – thank God that the cancer (between stage 2 & stage 3) was detected relatively early; 3) God has already begun healing my body and has encouraged my heart; 4) I desire and need your prayers for my continued healing and strength; and, finally, 5) I know there are a number of tests, procedures, challenges, lessons, and BLESSINGS ahead of me and I pray that God protects, heals, instructs, empowers and enables me in each and every situation.

I also know that… Alone I could succumb to the challenge of this world… alone I could despair…

I am not alone!

Great is the power delegated to me; great is the authority entrusted to me; great is the love surrounding me.  I accept the power; I claim the authority; and I receive the love. 

For the Lord, my God, is my sword, my shield, my rock and my redeemer!

Amen. Amen and AMEN!!

In Jesus Name,

rev. alethea

tumor size compared to a AA battery

Journal Entry: June 14, 2010

I met with Dr. Butler today to get the results from my biopsy.  He said, “…malignant!”  He spoke those words so calmly all the while looking directly in my eyes.  I heard each and every word that he said and, at the same time, nothing he said registered.  I can’t understand it.  I answered his questions and even asked one or two questions of my own BUT the only thing I actually heard was “malignant.”   

The diagnosis still doesn’t make sense… I feel like the doctor was talking about someone else or something else… not me and not cancer (sigh…).

It’s hard to write any logical accounting of today… I don’t feel logical… I don’t want to be logical or even remember anything from today.  But the problem is, I can’t forget the little I remember…  I don’t feel frightened or sad… I think I feel confused or stunned.  No, I think I feel disoriented.  In fact, I feel disoriented and confused.  I wish I could take a deep breath and relax and make this all go away.  That’s the little girl in me… the part of me that wants to close my eyes and be held in someone’s arms.

I remember Dr. Butler coming into the examining room and saying that the biopsy was “positive”… both biopsies were positive… the larger mass and the small nodule near the surface of my breast.  The mass was between stage 2 and stage 3.  Dr. Butler pointed to pictures on the wall that described the different stages and I remembered the information I had read in one of pamphlets I had taken from his office on the previous week.  Last week, he had said that the mass was small enough to do a lumpectomy but, now, he was advising a mastectomy because of the nodule near the surface was also positive.

This was too much!  How did this situation go from a mass that could be managed by a lumpectomy to a situation requiring that my breast be cut off!!  I wondered how the doctor could say the word “mastectomy” so calmly and how was I sitting there and not falling apart?  Or, maybe I was falling apart and didn’t realize it… but I wasn’t screaming or even crying.  Hmm…

There is so much that I don’t know and don’t understand.  I know that I am scheduled for more tests because I have the appointment information in my hand.  Next week, I have to have a MRI and another biopsy.  This time I’m having a stereotactic breast biopsy (an image-guided biopsy).  By the time I have the stereotactic breast biopsy, hopefully, I will know more about it.  The only thing I understand at this time is that there is a third area of my breast that the doctor is concerned about and the final decision about the mastectomy will be based on the results of the stereotactic breast biopsy.

There’s so much that I don’t know and I certainly don’t understand, but I want this to go away, now!

Dear God,

Please don’t forget me.

Amen.

Alethea "Roz" Smith-Withers

Beloved, memory is a blessing!

There are moments… days… when breast cancer is not a part of my identity… I would like it to go away… that’s my choice.  I also refuse to be rendered powerless or voiceless with respect to the challenge of cancer… as it impacts my life and the lives of others.  I choose to stand for LIFE, POWER, and the GRACE of GOD.  My choice matters and I pray my voice will help to turn the breast cancer tidal wave that is overwhelming communities of color.   We are being washed away… and we must do all that we can to learn, teach others, and save lives.  Every woman… mother… daughter… sister… cousin… wife… girlfriend… and BFF matters!  Remember to remember. 

 

Naomi Sims was the first black supermodel.  She broke barriers when she made the cover of Ladies Home Journal in 1968 — becoming the first black model to do so on a mainstream women’s magazine. 

Sims decided to give up modeling in 1973, though she was just 24 and potentially had a long career in front of her. Modeling was never her ultimate goal. She became a successful business woman selling wigs specifically designed for black women.

In 1969 and 1970, Naomi received the Model of the Year award. In 1972 she received the Woman of Achievement Medal and then the Top Hat Award in 1974. In 1976, Naomi Sims created the Naomi Sims Company. She was awarded the NYC Board of Education award for teaching underprivileged children in Bedford Stuyvesant. And in 2003, she was honored in New York with a Lifetime Achievement Award from Fashion & Arts Xchange. Images of her in Life Magazine are still on display at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City. Sims was born in Oxford , Mississippi, the youngest of three daughters born to John and Elizabeth Sims.

Naomi Sims died of breast cancer on August 3, 2009, aged 61, in Newark, New Jersey. She is survived by her son, Bob Findlay, a granddaughter, and her elder sister. 

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Microcilp marking biopsy

Journal Entry: June 4, 2010

I met with a surgeon, Dr. John Butler, at Washington Hospital Center, today.  He looked at my mammogram and sonogram and examined both of my breasts.  Thank God I took pain medication before I went.  Dr. Butler felt the mass deep within my right breast and decided to do a needle biopsy today… to be more exact, the procedure is called a core needle biopsy (CNB).   I wasn’t quite prepared for this but it was better to get it out of the way. 

I was told that the procedure is likely to give a definite result because a substantial amount of tissue is taken to be examined.  The needle that was used in the CNB is a hollow needle (the “needle” is too large to simply be inserted through the skin – the doctor had to make an incision first).  The needle is used to withdraw small cylinders (or cores) of tissue from the abnormal area (the mass) in the breast.  The CNB was done with a local anesthesia (I was awake and fully alert).  The doctor guided the needle into the abnormal area while palpating the lump.  The needle was put in 5 times to get the samples, or cores.  Each time a sample was taken, I remember a fairly loud click prior to the doctor extracting the needle.  The doctor warned me (each time) before the click… otherwise, I might have jumped off the table.  The sound is startling! 

In addition, Dr. Butler did a surgical biopsy (or excisional biopsy) of the small mass that was near the surface of my right breast (it felt like a little bump).  The excisional biopsy is used to remove all or part of the lump so it can be looked at under the microscope.  There was a bit of bleeding, so the doctor cauterized the area to stop the bleeding.

LOL - In the midst of this experience, as scary as it was, I found a moment of levity.  Charles, bless his heart, was in the office with me from the beginning.  He held my hand, talked with the doctor, and cheered me with his indomitable and witty spirit.  I kept a close eye on Charles because a few years ago he confessed that he almost passed out when our son was born by cesarean section.  He did well with the small incisions the doctor made and was not bothered by the large hollow needle… but the cauterization got to him… it was the smell of my flesh being singed that really got to him (the smell wasn’t pleasant but I had my eyes closed… Charles was looking and smelling… he had sensory overload). 

All of sudden he had to leave the room.  Boy, did I laugh (after Charles was on the other side of the door)!  He held it together and in less than 5 minutes he came back!!  “Charles, you are a trooper and a blessed support for me!”

Dear God, I survived this day.  Praise the Lord!  Thank you for laughter.  Thank you for the love of my husband, family, church family, and dear friends.  And thank you for the unseen and seen provisions of your mercy.  Continue to humble my heart and discipline my spirit. 

Lord, I ask for special blessings for others who are on this diagnostic journey.  Give them courage and faith.   In Jesus’ name, I pray.  Amen.   

©jun 2010 ARSmith-Withers

Me in the '90s

Journal Entry: June 2, 2010 – 7:30 a.m.

My insurance has been active since yesterday, June 1.  Praise the Lord!!  My appointment is today at 9 a.m.  C. A. and Crystal arrived last night to go to the doctor with me.  I’m so glad they are here.  It’s strange to feel so dependent on my son.  But the truth is if he were not a physician, I would still need him here… the bonus is Crystal’s here, too.  (What a blessing it is to finally have a daughter, also!)

The plan for the day doesn’t seem too complicated.  I won’t be doing a lot: I will be confronting a lot… I will be confronting 2 months of waiting!  I am so relieved to finally be going to the doctor and I’m also somewhat anxious about the possibilities I have not actually spoken aloud. 

Everyone’s been saying things like, “The bleeding could be a lot of different things… let’s just wait and see.”  No one has and I haven’t said what I fear the most.  I have had fibroids before and biopsies and thankfully each diagnosis was benign.  However, I have never seen blood come from my breast!

So, today, as in the past, I will trust God and be thankful to finally see the doctor.  My primary care physician, Dr. Mendez-Munoz, is on vacation so I will be seeing Dr. Rebecca Fitch who is covering for him.  After waiting two months, I couldn’t wait any additional time for Dr. Mendez-Munoz to return. 

God bless Dr. Fitch… she will be seeing me for the first time plus meeting my husband, son, and daughter-in-love.  I hope she’s up for a family affair! LOL

 ********

Jun 2, 2010 – 10 p.m.

Dear Mother Father God, I have waited for today.  Your Word says, “Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and God shall strengthen your heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.” (Psalm 27:14)  I have waited on you, Lord, and in so many ways, I have been of good courage.  

So, Lord I thank you for your grace and mercy and for the loving support that you have given me today.  And I ask you to continue to hold me in the hollow of your hand and to make my path straight.  Amen.

Today was easier than I thought it would be.  It was made so much easier because Charles, C.A. and Crystal were there with me… all of them in the exam room.  Dr. Fitch was methodical, supportive, and caring.  I liked her.  I told to her about blood coming from the nipple of my right breast.  She checked both of my breasts and expressed blood from the nipple of my right breast.  Dr. Fitch also felt a mass on my right breast (deep and on the right side of the right breast) and she also pointed out a small nodule on the surface of the right breast.  She asked numerous questions and I answered to the best of my ability.  She referred me to have a mammogram and sonogram today.  AND she referred me to a surgeon for a needle biopsy.  (That appointment is for Friday, June 4th.)  All of this in one day.  Speedy!  Thank God! 

Because my breasts, particularly the right breast, are so painful to touch, Dr. Fitch prescribed medication for pain.  Hallelujah!  That was C.A.’s suggestion (my son, the doctor… what a blessing).  I have always dreaded mammograms because of the painful cysts in my breasts.  There have been times that mammograms have caused so much pain that I felt as if I might pass out.  Why haven’t other doctors suggested pain medication?!

More importantly, on other occasions when I have had mammograms, why didn’t I ask for medication to help with the pain? 

I took the medication an hour before the mammogram and sonogram.  The mammogram was still painful but I didn’t feel as if I were going to pass out and the technician was respectful of my sensitivity to the pain.  The sonogram was okay and the meds helped with that.  All in all, I got through it… I got through the tugging and pushing on my breasts.  (Sigh) 

The radiologist looked at my mammogram and spoke to me briefly and agreed that I needed to have a biopsy.

This has been a long day.  My doctor’s appointment was at 9 a.m. and then the mammogram and sonogram at 1 p.m.  I’m not complaining: I’m thankful that I saw the doctor and had the mammogram and sonogram in the same day.   And I’m relieved to have an appointment with a surgeon in two days.  AND what an enormous blessing it was not to have been alone. 

Irony: The last time I went to have a mammogram the radiologist would not do it because I didn’t have a copy of my previous mammogram.  I still don’t have a copy but they did the mammogram.  I wish I had pushed for them to do what they did today.  It’s so hard to push for the things that you want and need when you are told, “No.”  That makes me sad and disappointed with me.  That makes me sad and disappointed in the system that didn’t support me adequately.   And so it is.

©jun 2010 ARSmith-Withers

"Problem We All Live With" by Norman Rockwell

 May 23

This evening I went to New Community Church to watch the showing of the movie,“Ruby Bridges.”  It is always so good to be with the members of New Community Church.  They are kindred spirits.  The movie was wonderful… I cried.  As I watched the movie, I remembered my experience integrating my middle school in the 1960s.  Wow!  That seems so long, now.  The world has changed in so many ways…

Ruby was in New Orleans and I was in Wantagh, Long Island (what I called “up south”). Discrimination wasn’t codified in Long Island and often not as blatant… but the impact of de facto segregation is insidious and particularly confusing for children.  I was also a few years older than Ruby but I was a child and I was vulnerable.  I remember wanting to connect with other children at my new school and the confusion as I realized that I wasn’t fully embraced.  The worse part was that I didn’t grasp that my race was the reason… I didn’t even focus on the fact that my new school was all white.  I loved my blackness in every respect… culturally and the color of my skin. I simply was not conscious of discrimination… I just didn’t get it…

I don’t think children understand race as a social construct.  Little people move around and through the barriers of race.  Elementary school children are natural explorers and are often attracted to and intrigued by the physical differences associated with race.  When young children engage in name calling or when they denigrate differences, they are usually mimicking the behaviors of older children or the adults in their world.  Ruby lived through that challenge. 

Middle school children are beginning to recognize and conform to social norms.  I walked into that dynamic when I entered 8^th grade in Wantagh.  I was the colored girl… the only black child in the school.  Like all kids, I was nervous about a new school but I had changed schools before and I liked school and loved learning.  I quickly learned that this experience in Wantagh was different.   At 12 years old, I didn’t understand the subtleties that kept me at a distance from my peers.  I was too young to ask myself and others the right questions… I can’t believe I was 12 in 8^th grade!  I never thought about how young I really was…

Hmm… Ruby Bridges brought back memories… I shared some of my memories during the discussion about the movie.  And then as we began to close the evening’s activity with prayer, I opened up even more…

I shared what happened on Easter Sunday.  I told everyone about the bleeding from my breast and explained that I’m waiting for my insurance to be in place before I go to the doctor.  I asked for prayer for the ability to wait… (O, God, waiting is such a challenge!) and I asked that they pray for my healing, health and wholeness.  Yes.  Healing.  Health.  Wholeness. 

I could see the concern in everyone’s face.  I listened to the prayers.  I am thankful for the prayers.  May God give me courage to wait.

Dear Lord,

I am thankful for Ruby Bridges… her innocence and courage.  I am thankful for remembering my innocence and that I had courage before and that you were the Waymaker then and you are the Waymaker now.   I am thankful for the friends that are helping me to bear this cross of waiting.  Thank you for my tears of release and the loving embrace of New Community Church.  I am not alone.  O Lord, I see your face and feel your presence in the midst of your people.  Amen.

Alethea 'Ros" Smith-Withers

Beloved, memory is a blessing!  We need to remember our victories and our challenges.  Overcoming is a journey of mountaintop and valley experiences.  The peaks and valleys teach us lessons and inform our testimony.  So, on these pages, I will share the names of my cancer sheroes and heroes… all overcomers… some are in the flesh and others have made their transition.  Today, I am honoring Minnie Riperton, an extraordinary breast cancer overcomer.

Minnie Julia Riperton (Nov 8, 1947 – July 12, 1979) was an American singer-songwriter best known for her vocal range of five-and-a-half octaves. She recorded several albums and a popular single, “Loving You,” which was released in 1975. She was married to songwriter and music producer Richard Rudolph from 1972 until her death in the summer of 1979. They had two children – music engineer Marc Rudolph and actress/comedienne Maya Rudolph.

In January 1976, Riperton was diagnosed with breast cancer. By the time of diagnosis, the cancer had metastasized. She died at age 31. 

Click to hear  Adventures In Paradise by Minnie Riperton!

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Rev. Alethea

The following is an excerpt from the sermon I preached on the April 4, 2010, the Sunday after Easter… the Sunday after I discovered blood coming from my right breast. The title of my message is “Peace Be With You” and the scriptural text is John 20:19-31. (NIV)

Jesus Appears to His Disciples

19On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” 20After he said this, he showed them his hands and side. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord. 21Again Jesus said, “Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you.” 22And with that he breathed on them and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit. 23If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.” 

Jesus Appears to Thomas

24Now Thomas (called Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. 25So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!” But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it.” 26A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” 27Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” 28Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!” 29Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” 30Jesus did many other miraculous signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not recorded in this book. 31But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.

***********

Today’s scripture lesson has two distinct parts. First, Jesus encounters his disciples without Thomas, then Jesus encounters Thomas with the other disciples.  Both encounters teach us lessons about ourselves and our relationship with Jesus.

In both encounters the take-aways are many.

Take-away #1: Jesus Walks Through Barriers…    In both encounters we learn that Jesus walks through “barriers” to get to us.  We are the ones that place ourselves behind locked doors… sometime the reasons are clear and even reasonable and at other times the reasons are complex and confusing.  In every case, the reasons are human. 

The disciples locked themselves away in an attempt to protect themselves from would be persecution as followers of Jesus.   After the crucifixion there were reports that the leaders of the Sanhedrin and Roman forces were still rounding up followers of the Messiah.  The confusion and terror increased as some of the disciples discovered the body of Jesus was not in the tomb.  This group of men, the disciples, who once had dreams of restoring God’s kingdom resolved to do nothing more than wait and hide behind a locked door.

In the face of failed dreams, broken hearts, confusion, sadness, fear, rumors, and loss… we lock ourselves away emotionally and spiritually… and sometimes even physically.  But, we need to be clear that if we follow Jesus… Jesus comes through our locked doors.  We need know and trust that Jesus is on the other side of the locked door with us!  We can lock ourselves in but we can’t lock Jesus out!

Take-away #2: Jesus Does Not Blame Us for Being Human…   Jesus didn’t blame the disciples for hiding behind locked doors.  And he didn’t blame Thomas for doubting.  Being human includes having doubts, questions, fears, and uncertainty.  All too frequently, the faithful blame each other for being human.  We judge each other, criticize each other, and won’t hear each other’s doubts and fears.

Last Sunday, I had doubts about me… not doubts about God or the love of Christ… I had doubts about my human ability to make it to the next moment.  When I discovered that blood had come out of my breast, I was terrified.  I doubted my capacity to deal with the unknown that lay within my body and the unknown that may be ahead of me.  I was also paralyzed by memories of past health crises.  I doubted me… my capacity to reach God and my capacity to experience the power of God. 

However, I am not the only faithful person who has cried aloud their terror.  Do you remember the man who brought his child to be healed by Jesus?  He said, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24 NIV)  Believers can doubt: and doubters can be believers.  When the believer doubts, they don’t remain silent: they cry out to the Lord. 

Beloved, faith is entangled with doubt (sometimes in ways that we are aware of and sometimes in ways we are unaware of)… however, with God we can and do walk through life’s storms and become all the stronger in our faith. 

It also helps if we remember when Jesus was on the cross, he cried out, “Father, why have you forsaken me?”  In that moment… in that human experience, even Jesus had doubts.

Authentic faith and faith-development frequently begin with intellectual honesty, emotional vulnerability, and spiritual openness… and doubt or questioning are core features of honesty, vulnerability and openness. 

Moreover, faith is not the absence of doubt; it is the overcoming of doubt.  

Take-away #3: We Must Move Beyond Doubt to Faith…  It is human to have doubt, but in our discipleship we should move beyond doubt.  As people of faith… as followers and disciples of Christ… we should have a practiced and viable relationship with Jesus.  We should know the Lord so that when and if challenges find us, our relationship with Christ will endure and we can expect Jesus to walk through any locked doors and find us.  When we belong to Jesus, we can trust that he will walk with us… even carry us in our times of trouble.  Jesus admonished Thomas, “Stop doubting and believe.” Unbelief is a normal part of life but it is not healthy to remain in doubt.

I want to say something to you this morning, and in so doing, I am saying it to myself as well. There are times in our lives when we face grief, or disappointment, or pain, fear or depression.  If you haven’t experienced that, yet, just keep on living.

So often when we, the faithful in Christ, “feel” lost… “feel” disconnected… or when we “feel” doubt, it is because of our human experience and human limitations and not because we actually doubt the Lord. 

Human beings doubt: but it is our charge to move beyond doubt to faith.

 ***

Take-away #1: Jesus Walks Through Barriers

Take-away #2: Jesus Does Not Blame Us for Being Human

Take-away #3: We Must Move Beyond Doubt to Faith

When these moments of deep doubt come, let me urge you to try something.  Try listening to what Jesus first said in both encounters with the disciples behind the locked door.  Jesus said, “Peace be with you.”  Peace!  Yes, a peace that passes all understanding.

For those who truly know Jesus… those of us who are his disciples, Jesus enters behind our locked doors… behind our closed mind… behind or fear entangled consciousness… and behind the barriers in our spirit.  Jesus moves through our locked doors only if we have already given our hearts to him.  If you haven’t already, give your heart to Jesus today.  Jesus is our friend… he knows us… According to the Gospel of John, Jesus went through a locked door, stood with his disciples, showed them his wounds, breathe on them, and said, “Peace be with you.”  Jesus offers you the same gift of his presence. 

Jesus spoke those words to me… “Peace be with you.”  His peace has gotten me through many dark nights.  And if you remember nothing about the sermon this morning accept Jesus’ invitation: Peace Be With You.  Amen.

© April 11, 2010 A.R.Smith-Withers

  I am so thankful for Sunday (Apr 4^th).  The worship service was a blessing… my congregation is a blessing.  I thank God for the laying on of hands.  It was a humbling and holy experience… an affirmation of the “priesthood of all believers.” 

I am glad that God hears my thoughts and knows my heart especially when I struggle to find the “right” words for prayer… 

In this moment I take the time to be mindful of my breath…. and do my best to be aware and to listen…

 “God, please know the desires of my heart.  I want to be okay.  Lord, I choose life.  I am reminded that blood is a symbol of life.  Bless me with the fullness of life.  I accept and am open to the healing that is going on within me. Amen.”

Me.. in my 20s...

I want to start at the beginning… though when I think about it I’m not sure how to determine the actual beginning of my story.  With respect to the breast cancer, the beginning might be how the breast cancer diagnosis came about.  I must admit that as I write this, I have a sneaking suspicion that the beginning goes back further than the particulars that led to the diagnosis of breast cancer. 

For the record, I am an enormously private person in spite of the fact that my calling as a minister often places me before the eyes and ears of the public.  Also, for the record, I fully and joyfully embrace my calling and I thank God for the spiritual gifts that God has given me.  However, I am a closet introvert (my terminology).  What I mean by closet introvert is that I have the temperament and needs of an introvert; but I often behave like and am perceived to be an extrovert.  I love serving the Lord and I comfortably preach and talk before people in small and large groups.  But it’s work for me… work that I love but it is WORK and it takes a great deal of energy.  Ministry is my calling and answering God’s call absolutely defines and fulfills my life.  As a closet introvert (there are many people like me), I have had to learn that I need solitude and privacy to be renewed. 

That’s important information because if it had not been for an amazing turn of events on a Sunday morning, few people would have known about my breast cancer diagnosis and even fewer people would have known about the events that led to my diagnosis.  Moreover, it would be unlikely that I would be openly sharing my journal as I am now.  But you and I know that stuff happens and when it does, it places us on a different path.  I am on an unexpected path.  And, blessedly, God’s word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. (Psalm 119:105)

On Sunday, April 4, 2010, Easter Sunday, I awakened and saw blood on my bra!  I looked at my breast to see where the blood had come from.  There was no apparent scratch or wound.  I was ready to dismiss it thinking that the blood had come from some minor scratch on my husband’s body.  (We like to cuddly at night.)  Yet, there was the nagging awareness.  During the past months, I had infrequently seen small spots of blood on the bed sheets (I rarely wear a bra at night).  This time I had a bra on and the blood was on my bra.  I looked at my breast, again.  I still can’t say why but I squeezed the nipple of my breast but I did… I saw blood!  And then I saw stars and almost passed out! 

Despite being dazed and terrified, I managed to report all of this to my husband with a calm and almost casual tone of voice.  I can’t recall what he said but I can remember his face.  His eyes were focused on me and seemed to hold and steady me.  I was so blessed not to be alone… and I know that.  After thirty-six years of marriage, Charles knows me.  I can share my fears with him.  The bigger blessing is I don’t have to speak my fears aloud.  Nevertheless, he hears and understands my fears.  It was 9:15 a.m. and worship starts at 11:00 a.m.  I couldn’t seem to stop thinking about the blood that had come out of the nipple of my right breast.  It was horrible and incomprehensible.  I was shaken to my core. 

******

I have a dear friend, Patricia Davidson, who is a physician… a cardiologist.  Over the years, I have called her for all kinds of medical issues, especially at those moments when I was actually seeking emotional support as much as medical advice.  Once more, I called Pat.  I’m not sure what I thought she might say… usually, I have a possible response already in my head before I share my concern or ask a question.  But it wasn’t Pat who answered the phone, it was her husband, Gordon. 

Gordon explained that Pat had gone to take her mother to church… I was reminded, again, that it was Easter Sunday morning.  The clock was ticking and I needed to get ready for church.  I was preaching and I hadn’t even begun my regular Sunday morning ritual of prayer and meditation (most pastors have a Sunday morning ritual of some kind).  My head swirled as I tried to listen to Gordon.  He said, “Don’t worry, I’ll call her and she will call you back.”  I realized that he was trying to keep me calm.  He heard the panic in my voice or, perhaps, he simply knew that I would never call on Easter Sunday morning without a matter of importance.  As I hung up, I continued to hear Gordon’s words, “Don’t worry…”  I suddenly realized how worried I was.  I was really worried!  And I began to sob.

Then at about 10:00 a.m. Pat called.  She simply said, “It’s okay.  We can take care of it tomorrow.”  Hmmm… tomorrow?  It had never occurred to me that blood coming from my breast could wait until tomorrow.  In many respects, tomorrow seemed very far away and the idea of waiting for tomorrow seemed all but impossible.  The reality was tomorrow was slowly approaching.  And… the 11:00 a.m. worship was looming!   Thanks to Pat’s pragmatic approach, I managed to get dressed and make it to church on time. 

*****

Easter Sunday worship at The Pavilion of God is joyful! The highlight of our Easter worship service is our Children’s Easter Pageant.  I actually don’t preach, I offer an Easter homily that is brief and, hopefully, inspirational… the real Easter message is offered in the context of the children’s pageant.  I know that this is different than the typical Easter service; however, it is The Pavilion of God’s tradition and it truly feeds our souls.

 As I stood to begin my homily, I remember the palpable sense of the Sabbath celebration… the holiness and sacredness of worship.  The pungent fragrance of Easter lilies permeated the social hall where we worship.  There was joy in the room!  I prayed and began to speak… as I spoke the first words I felt light headed, tears filled my eyes, and my spirit seemed to literally lift from my body… and then I opened my mouth to speak and words would not come.  The room became silent.  I stood frozen for what seemed like an eternity.

The next thing I knew I was offering the most personal of details… my testimony of terror.  I actually told my congregation that blood came from my breast.  I thought, “Why, Lord, am I telling everyone about this!?”  My thoughts seemed louder than the words I was speaking.  And the room became even more silent.  I didn’t know that silence could be deep and get deeper… but it did.

I stopped speaking and tears streamed silently down my face… I stood spiritually naked before the people of God.  Then Kofi, one of the members, stood and broke the silence, saying, “We will lay hands on you. You have done that for us so many times.”  Kofi and Tami (another member) walked forward.  They laid hands on me and others stood and joined them, holding hands and encircling me.  Kofi led the congregation in a healing prayer of affirmation.  The prayer was simple and powerful:

We surround Alethea Smith-Withers with the love of God in the name of Jesus Christ. 

We surround Alethea Smith-Withers with the love of God in the name of Jesus Christ.  

We surround Alethea Smith-Withers with the love of God in the name of Jesus Christ. 

Angels of God attend her in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

When I opened my eyes I could see the tears and the faith in the eyes of the congregants.  They, these faithful men, women, and children, had rolled the stone away from my would-be-grave of fear and through the power of the living Christ, I could breathe and regained my footing.  Praise the Lord!  

The worship continued.  I don’t remember the music…  I do remember the children.  They were as wonderful as always.  The Pavilion of God is a resurrection church.  Hallelujah!

I will never forget Easter Sunday 2010… the love… the embrace… I spoke my truth to the Lord on that Sunday morning and I was embraced by the people of God.  All of this occurred within The Pavilion of God.  My church is, in fact, a safe place and sacred space.   

What an enormous blessing and, yes, it was a very Happy Easter. 

Dear Lord,

Let it be. Let us always speak our truth in whispers, in shouts, in songs, and in praise. May our tears proclaim release and may our laughter announce thanksgiving. Let us always find sanctuary in your temple… yes, let us embrace the safe place and sacred space that is your pavilion. And, merciful Mother Father God, let us always be lifted from our knees by your grace and mercy and be enabled to journey onward.  Yes, Lord, let it be.  In Jesus name, we pray.  Amen.

 © ARSmith-Withers April 14, 2010

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